I’ve struggled with negative body image and self-scrutiny for the majority of my life. At this point, age 25, I’m fairly comfortable saying that I’ve just about overcome it. Writing TD and analyzing my mental and physical tendencies has allowed me to truly see how much hating my physical form really affected my life. Things that I thought were part of my personality were discovered to be no more than a product of my hate for myself -  a symptom of being extremely self-conscious and negative about the way I look. Pieces of my brain and my personality had acclimated to accommodate this behavior, and changing my perspective to that of a positive one was like facing two north sides of a magnet – What am I doing? Why have I done this for so long? It doesn’t make sense!

Once I’d regained control over my self-image, aspects of “myself” that I’d grown so used to faded away, and I was able to really see the control that this negative perspective had over me. That’s not to say, though, that all of the deeply engrained tendencies are gone – some of them are definitely still lingering.

I was thinking about this last night, and I was reminded of a line delivered by a great man, in a great song, in a great movie:

I’ll remove the cause… but not the symptom. - “Sweet Transvestite”, Rocky Horror Picture Show

I still have many habits that surround my accommodation of negative body image. One noteworthy one: retaining the interest of men. It’s true. I’ve recently had to inform a few previous suitors that I’m in an exclusive relationship and will no longer be dating. Most have taken it like, well, adults… But there was a situation recently wherein the recipient of this information chose “persistence” as a reaction as opposed to well wishes and/or support. When I resisted, he eventually played the “have a nice life” card, and was clearly bitter. I was shocked at how I reacted to this.

In the back of my head, there was a part of me that said “don’t lose this! You need people to be attracted to you.” I was immediately reminded of the years of my life that were indirectly dedicated to utilizing male attention as self-approval. If men thought I was attractive, then I wouldn’t have to appreciate me – other people could do it instead. It was also a form of sick validation that prevented me from having to actually love myself. Other people will do it.

The cause might be nearly eliminated, but the symptoms still linger. They’re like little tiny soldiers that are creeping around your mental castle – each needing to be killed, even though you’ve already found and burned the Trojan Horse.

Recognizing that I still had a deeply-rooted need to retain attention for men was a big eye opener for me. As we all know, negative body image isn’t something that you can just “turn off”, as some people might suggest. “You’re fine! Quit worrying about it” isn’t quite all that’s required to kill off the symptoms. If you’ve grown up hating your body and having no appreciation for yourself, chances are good that you’ve also acquired reactions, actions, and tendencies to accommodate that self-perception. We can’t forget about these symptoms, even though we’re trying to kill the cause.

What are your symptoms? Do you have tendencies that may have been formed by your negative self-image?

I went to the gym with a friend last night – instead of a drink and appetizers to catch up, we use an elliptical machine and ten minutes in the sauna – and as we were standing in front of the cooler trying to decide between drinks with ridiculous names like Muscle Milk and Monster Mass, a trainer began to offer suggestions.  After a few minutes, the conversation turned to our fitness goals.

When asked what I was looking to achieve, I explained that I want to be able to do more, physically.  Hike farther, balance longer, lift better.  “If I get lost in the woods, I want to know that my body is strong enough and lean enough to survive.  I can learn how to make fire after I’ve trained my body to withstand the stress of finding and breaking branches.”

Oddly enough, the trainer’s goal was similar…if a bit more intense.  “I’m preparing for a body building competition right now, but once that’s done, my next goal is to go hunting without a gun.”

“Like, with hand tools, or…”

“I’d start with knives, I guess.  You know how some animals hunt, sitting still and waiting for things to pass their way?  I’d start like that.”

This is where my brain exploded, and where my friend chimed in that she “just wants to be pretty.” (FYI: She’s already insanely gorgeous.  The kind of gorgeous that makes people jealous and angry.  The kind that people call “classic” and drop their jaws at. She’s less than ten pounds “overweight.”)

It’s interesting to think about what our different goals are, physically, and how they relate back to our own expectations, society’s pull, and even the primal urges from our evolution.  I know that my goals definitely relate to the idea of being able to “do it on my own,” which is something my upbringing and the feminist movement have taught me to expect of myself, to strive for.  My friend’s goal was a bit more superficial, maybe, but about surviving nonetheless, if only in a more suburban way.  And that trainer: can we say primal caveman urges?  Wow.

Why do you work out?  What influences your health goals?

What a refreshing development – Debenhams, a UK retail store, is running a swim campaign by loudly renouncing retouched photos.

Yes, selling swimsuits by showing images of models that haven’t had their arms literally shaved off and their waists whittled to unbelievable proportions. Could it really be true?

Yes. The store’s windows display large, clear images of un-retouched bikini models next to a “typical retouched” photo of the same girl.

Sadly, the photo on the right looks more familiar for a catalogue or product image, doesn’t it? How nice is it to see a literally real girl wearing a bikini and looking amazing, though? We can only hope that this is a big step for retailers.

As if Debenhams hadn’t done enough, they also supplied an image detailing how the retouched photo was created. Outlining every single change to this beautiful model’s body, as is typically done in photoshopped product photos. The image is a little shocking, and a bit disheartening.

Good lord. And people try to argue that the idea that beauty standards are not being enforced by the media and retailers. This is hard evidence that we are all being manipulated. Accompanying these photos and this campaign, the Creative Director of Debenham’s had some great things to say about his vision:

As a responsible retailer we want to help customers make the most of their beauty without bombarding them with unattainable body images. Our campaign is all about making women feel good about themselves – not eroding their self belief and esteem by using false comparisons. Not only does it make sense from a moral point of view, it ticks the economic boxes as well. Millions of pounds a year are spent by organisations retouching perfectly good images. As a rule we only airbrush minor things like pigmentation or stray hair and rely on the natural beauty of models to make our product look great. We are proud to bring the issue of re-touching into the main stream when the likes of Britney Spears and Madonna are using unairbrushed but over-lit images as a shock tactic.

We only wish that we lived in the UK so we could support this progressive, forward-thinking, and body-positive organization.

Have you seen any other campaigns like this?
Tell us!

Every day at TDHQ, we get an onslaught of PR emails. Some are good, some are just ok… But the vast majority of them follow this simplistic formula:

[Name of celebrity] spotted wearing [name of random brand] [name of random article of clothing]s in [name of expensive-to-travel-to location]!

Sure, it’s nice to know about brands, and I guess it’s nice to know what really, really, uncontrollably wealthy people are wearing… But it begs the question: Should we care, really?

Does the fact that Kate Bosworth is wearing some more Chanel, or Lindsay Lohan is wearing some random LA fashion brand make a difference in what you want to wear?

Take our poll! (If you’re reading in an RSS reader, please click through and weigh in!)

The focus on “health” in the media has skyrocketed over the last year or so – with shows like The Biggest Loser, Losing It with Jillian, and The Style Network’s Ruby giving America a “real life look” at our major health issues relating to weight.

I’d been hearing murmurs about the new ABC show, “Huge“, for a little while… but seeing as it’s a drama and not actual people made me less than interested in exploring it (though one could debate that “reality shows” have become about as “real” as your average soap opera). But then I started to see bits and pieces of commentary popping up around the blogosphere – becoming more and more frequent as days passed. I decided against reading any personal reviews – good or bad – and give you my honest, very real, very immediate opinion of the show… as I watch it.

Here’s the Hulu synopsis:

Huge is a compelling new original drama series from ABC Family about teens from different backgrounds as they attend weight loss camp and embark on a journey of self discovery. The series will follow the emotional journey of the campers as they deal with issues including self-esteem, friendship, rivalry, romance and body image.

Friendship, rivalry, and body image! Sounds like a hoot.

I guess there is where I say “spoilers ahead” – I’m pressing play!

2:10 Okay, two things right off the bat… I’m super stoked on the “fashionista fat girls”, or what have you. They exist! They are not any different from regular teenage girls. Trust. I keep having to remind myself that this show is not necessarily setting out to promote healthy body image, but instead over-dramatizing the reality of negative body image. So when I see things like:

“Oh my god, you’re so thin…”
“No, I’m not.”
“Oh my god, yes you are, look at me…”

I have to batten the eye-twitch-hatches and recall that the goal of this show is not likely to help anyone. We’ll see.

2:30 Okay, off topic fangirl moment: Oh my god Gina Torres is in this?! SHE IS AWESOME, TD LOVES FIREFLY.

Commercial break commentary: So, I thought the crazy striptease was rad. And the aftershock-complete-mortification – oh yeah. That’s good stuff. The opening credits could use a little work. I get the feeling this is going to be “people are fat because they eat too much”-centric. That could get irritating.

8:02 OH GOD, THINSPIRATION.

10:00 Is this show going to have every camp stereotype? We have the no-messin’-around leader, the overly enthusiastic camp counselor, the Jillian Michaels-esque fitness chick and the oh-my-god-so-dreamy other… fitness… guy. All we need now is the crusty-wisdom-spouting cafeteria employee. Also, why is the blonde chick a) the only blonde chick and b) the only one wearing makeup and c) the only one that’s getting any type of pavement for romantic plotline?

20:42 I have to say, they did a good job of portraying the dreaded “Hey, come sit on my lap” situation. When you’re conscious of that ish, it is the scariest thing on Earth.

Commercial break commentary: I really, really hate commercials. Also, I’m really over this “blonde chick who attracts dudes never has a hair out of place, and has no visible flaws” business.

25:00 Come on, really? Sweatpant fabric doesn’t rip like that, guysss. Oh, and lest we not forget the blonde getting into an inappropriate romance with a much older authority figure. I’m sure that will be addressed…

33:39 I’m not really stoked on the “fat kids can’t handle having food around”! Plays into my aforementioned “Fat people are fat because they eat too much” myth that is only seeming to be perpetuated here.

35:35 OH GINA TORRES, YOU’RE SO UNDERSTA… oh, nevermind.

38:00 OH GINA TORRES, YOU’RE SO UNDERSTANDING.

Also, I see what they’re trying to do with the Wil character. The whole “you just think I’m unhealthy because I’m fat! It’s a load of crap! I love myself as I am!” That’s not an entirely uncommon perspective, especially over the last few years. The “fat acceptance” idea is becoming popularized – particularly via blogging – but I have to be candid and mention that it’s not entirely valid. It’s not a blanket idea that you can throw across everyone. The idea that all fat people are unhealthy might not be 100% true – but if you have an uncontrollable disorder that’s keeping you overweight, or making it difficult to achieve a “healthy” weight – you’re not healthy, by definition. I’m all for loving yourself as you are – don’t get me wrong. But I’m also for treating your body in the way that will produce your desired results. For instance, I smoke cigarettes – I know it’s gross. I don’t do it to lose weight, I don’t do it for any reason other than the fact that I enjoy it. Will I curse the universe when I start coughing up a lung at 60? No, because I signed up for it. Same goes with weight situations, in my mind, anyway. Random speech over.

Oh, also show over.

Well. I’m not entirely unhappy with it. It was super boring and predictable there for a while… And there are definitely some perpetuated stereotypes involved, but – speaking from fat kid experience – they are accurately displaying a lot of the very true, very intensely lame parts of having negative body image in your teenage years. I really hope they ditch the “cute blonde” act with Amber/Sandra, and get rid of the “omg fat people want food all the time” cop-out, but overall, the show doesn’t seem to be too harmful in the first episode.

Have you seen Huge? What were your thoughts on it?

Do you have kids?  Siblings?  A boyfriend or girlfriend?  Impressionable roommates?

When you look in the mirror, what do they see?

When I was little, I remember my mother’s nude body shimmying as she stepped out of the shower.  I remember how comfortable she seemed in her skin, and how I always saw beauty within her, when she was thin, when she was heavy, when she lost her breasts to cancer.

I remember my little sister and her friends watching my group intently during sleepovers, until one day one of them asked how she could “make boys like her.”  What could she do to her hair?  Should she get rid of her glasses?  Was her body attractive enough or should she buy a padded bra?

She was thirteen.

I remember a set of roommates, a few years ago, that would write each other notes on their bathroom mirror about how smart, kind, and beautiful they were.  I remember that they had a house rule: no body image self-criticism.  Their bodies were temples, and though sometimes they made a mess of those temples – drinking, smoking, emotional eating – they deserved respect and ritual.  They deserved one time, every day, to be adored.

Next time you’re standing in front of the mirror, watch the way you react.  It’s possible that all that scowling and pinching is affecting more than just your self image.

Who have you looked up to, and how did their body image affect yours?

Images found, in order, here, here, here and here.

This weekend, while playing on Gilt, I succumbed to a moment of swooning:

The Allure of Women (Gilt, Amazon).  What could be a better coffee table book?

I’ll tell you what: The Allure of Men (Amazon).

After spending more than a year submerging myself in the murky waters of media, societal perceptions, and what “sexy” means, I’ve learned a lot about women: the way we think, why we choose, what we like…and how the media skews all of that to create a standard of beauty we’re supposed to adhere to.  I’ve also learned that the most beautiful images I’ve seen are of women reaching through those perceptions – whether they “fit the mold” or not – to show the camera something internal, something far more beautiful than the designer shoes they’re wearing.

What I haven’t noticed is men.

I mean, they’re there, I guess, but only as background pieces, as skinny, pouty furniture for women to hang on.  While I won’t get into the myriad of things that are wrong with that idea, I will say that I miss a time when men had their own masculine, virile sexuality – that testosterone-fueled power and poise a la Rock Hudson, or Michael Redgrave or, to go really oldschool, a young Henry VIII (who was quite a lady-killer in the bedroom – no pun intended).  The only modern-day hold-out appears to be Denzel Washington – even Sean Connery has succumbed to the media’s reassessment of him as a bit of a bumbling fool.

Nowadays, the only “masculine men” in the movies are based on historical fantasies or wearing superhero costumes.  The “real men,” the modern-day guys, are all non-threatening wusses, lazy beer-drinking “bros” and  scientific techy genius dudes with glasses and concave chests…and while I love a skinny geek as much as the next girl – I dated a few of them – I also love a guy with muscles.  A guy with a barrel chest.  A guy who can physically sweep you off your feet.  A guy that gets five o’clock shadow at five o’clock.

Enough ranting.  I previewed The Allure of Men, and it’s got all the goods: the fashiony modelly skinny guys, the thick-necked hairy-armed guys, whatever’s your pleasure.  So I think I’ll get both, and delve into the nostalgia of old-school sex appeal when today’s media just ain’t giving it to me.

What do you think of male stereotypes in the media?

]]> http://thedemoiselles.com/archives/the-allure/feed 5 http://thedemoiselles.com/archives/nudity-is-apparently-relative http://thedemoiselles.com/archives/nudity-is-apparently-relative#comments Mon, 31 May 2010 21:20:24 +0000 Lindsay http://thedemoiselles.com/?p=3058 There has been a little bit of discussion around the internet as of late regarding a topic that has always kind of sat in the back of my head, not really surfacing as a “think about this!” topic, but more as a passive curiosity: Nude. What, exactly, does this word mean? Dictionary.com has it defined [...]]]>

There has been a little bit of discussion around the internet as of late regarding a topic that has always kind of sat in the back of my head, not really surfacing as a “think about this!” topic, but more as a passive curiosity:

Nude.

What, exactly, does this word mean? Dictionary.com has it defined as:

nude

/nud, nyud/ adjective, nud·er, nud·est, noun
–adjective
1. naked or unclothed, as a person or the body.
2. without the usual coverings, furnishings, etc.; bare: a nude stretch of land laid waste by brush fires.
3. (of a photograph, painting, statue, etc.) being or prominently displaying a representation of the nude human figure.
4. Law . made without a consideration or other legal essential: a nude contract.
5. having the color nude.

That last definition is irritating to me. I thought you couldn’t use the word being defined in the definition of said word? Then we progress to the noun portion of the definition:

–noun
6. a sculpture, painting, etc., of a nude human figure.
7. an unclothed human figure.
8. the condition of being unclothed: to sleep in the nude.
9. a light grayish-yellow brown to brownish-pink color.

Interesting. So the definition of nude seems to be attempting to incorporate the majority of skin tones in its color spectrum. This I can appreciate.

So now, let’s play a game. We’ll call it “Nude For All – Or Not?”

This is a game where we search “Nude Shoes” on ShopStyle.com (a great shopping search engine) and try to get a close match for each skin tone! So fun!

Kirsten Dunst

Mila Kunis

Adriana Lima

Zoe Saldana

Alex Wek

Hmmm. Is our racism showing? No, no, that’s not it. Oh, right. Only light-skinned people are nude-colored! The rest of the world is… well, some other color, right? You might think I’m exaggerating, but check this out:

It’s like an Aryan Nation of nudity in there! Not one shade past California Barbie. What’s up with this?

It’s like retailers are just glazed over with the idea that “nude” actually holds meaning other than “light beige.” Where do you think the name came from, guys? Come on. It’s not rocket science – get a Playboy, fashion world. There are other colors of “nude” out there, you know. Check out this promotion for Net-A-Porter (courtesy Jezebel):

How nude, indeed.

So, what do you think of this now that it’s been pointed out? Do you think that it’s an issue, or are we overreacting to something that doesn’t matter? I’d love to hear from both sides of the spectrum – those who “are” nude and those who apparently aren’t.

Once in a while, a reader floors me with their perspective and willingness to share their story.

It happened again today while reading Cals’ comment on In The Dark:

Lately, I’ve just tried putting things in perspective. When I look at myself in the mirror to evaluate how I’ve arranged things for the day, I try to narrow my basis of comparison.

Because no, I am not: A model, a movie star, or the airbrushed girl on the cover or in the pages of some magazine. And that is OK.

So, I ask myself how I look in terms of the average girl. Because, those are the women I see on the street, work with, interact with everyday and yes, get ridiculously jealous of sometimes.

9 times out of 10, I find that I’m pretty happy with what I see.

Barring that, I’m an artist. When other people’s fantasy depictions don’t give me a depiction of the world (and people) that I like. I fight back by making my own. I draw figures of queens and fairies with thicker waists, curves, a little meat on their thighs. Maybe even a little bit of a tummy, sometimes.

In short: I accept my reality and define my own fantasy.

Beautiful and perfect, just like the rest of us. Thank you, Cals!

On that note, we’re looking for contributors for our Out Of The Nest series. This means that we’d love some new guest posters to share their stories regarding their body image and perceptions — whether they’re optimal or not — or anything else relating to how the world sees bodies, beauty, or fashion. If you’re interested in writing something, or sharing something you’ve written with us, please shoot us an email at info@thedemoiselles.com!

In the Dark (via PostSecret.Blogspot.com)

Reading this secret made me ache inside.  I can’t imagine being so ashamed of my own body – for whatever reason – that I couldn’t stand looking at it, or touching it.

…okay, you know what?  That’s a lie.  I can totally imagine it.

In fact, I think we all can, sometimes.  Anorexia.  Body dysmorphia.  Scars.  An abused past.  All of these things can cause a secret loathing inside ourselves…hell, even just some teasing in high school can spur it on, spiraling into a menace inside us if we let it.

But I won’t.  I’ll fight it every day, with healthy food, less makeup, fantastic clothing and supportive friends that help me brush off the bullshit.  I will never bathe in the dark.

We all deal with shame.  How do you fight yours?