Naturally, if you’re a regular follower of The Demoiselles, you know that we preach self-love as gospel. Accepting yourself, accepting your “flaws” and accepting your insecurities… They’re all part of our master plan to ensure that you enjoy your life, as you, as thoroughly as possible.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the bond between women. Particularly women who are coming around to this self-love, and their relationships with each other.
There’s a song by Kate Nash that always comes to my mind when I get to talking with my group of close girlfriends. It’s called “We Get On“, and it’s fabulous… But there’s one particular part of the song that I get especially empowered by:
So I went to that party and everyone
They were kind of art-y
And I was wearing this dress
Because I wanted to impress
But I wasn’t sure if I looked my best
‘Cause I was so nervous
But I carried on regardless
Strutting through each room trying to find youAnd when I saw you kissing that girl
My heart, it shattered
And my eyes, they watered
And when I tried to speak, I stuttered…And my friends were like “Whatever!
You’ll find someone better!
His eyes were way too close together!
And we never even liked him from the start!
And now he’s with that tart
And I heard she’s done some really nasty stuff
Down in the park with Michael
He said she’s easy
And if your guy’s with someone that’s sleazy
Then he ain’t worth your time
‘Cause you deserve a real nice guy!”So I proceeded to get drunk and to cry
And lock myself in the toilets for the entire night
The bold portion of the song is where I start to stand more straight, proverbially linking arms with my sisters, and man… That is awesome!
But I got to thinking – and you know that can never be good.
Do we, as women, bond together in self-love… by using those struggling with self-love as targets?
Take this example: Taylor Swift vs. Lady Gaga. Oh, if you’re a fan, you know. There are photos like this all over the internet:
Rivalry is all well and good – I’m into the idea of playful competition. But! Those who I am closest to are naturally Lady Gaga fans because, well, she’s Lady Gaga. I’ve found that women are strengthened by bonding over The Gaga, but in turn, poor 20 year old Taylor Swift has quickly become the target for the Gaga Army.
“Ew, dude. She looks like someone stepped on her face.”
“Taylor makes a hot blow up doll.”
“No, I will never stop wanting to punch little TayTay in her smug, squinty mug.”
Do you think that if any of these women (yes, women said these things) saw Ms. Swift crying in a bathroom, they’d stop? Sure they would! Of course they would. They would reclaim their sisterhood instincts and rush to the aid of a fallen lady. I think most women would do this in any situation.
So why do we allow ourselves to attack the physical appearance of one another in the first place? Perhaps we need to check ourselves – our society has put such a heavy weight on physical beauty that we, as a country (and especially as a gender) have latched onto the ability to break it down. How do we know how to do it so well? Because we all do it to each other.
Self-love aficionado, Gala Darling has established February 2010 as “Radical Self-Love Month“, and not only do we encourage you to participate (use the Twitter tag #radicalselflove), but consider including something in this idea that addresses the way we subconsciously defend ourselves or people we love.
Let’s stop propagating the unrealistic media standards by degrading those who we’re jealous of, upset with, or just plain don’t like.
Someone pissed you off? Tell them why, don’t tell your BFF about how nasty her skin is.
That girl stole your dude? Leave her body mass out of it, and just focus on yourself.
There are plenty of ways to express and/or deal with frustrations – don’t bring your fellow sisters down in the process. You’re only as strong as your weakest teammate, and we’re all in this together.
How will you check yourself?
As for me, I hope to teach myself how to calm down to the point where I can isolate exactly why I’m upset. I find that this is best accomplished (for me) by either talking it out with someone with a level head/objective perspective (Jennifer is great for this!). If no one’s available to talk me off the edge, I’ll just start up a new Word document and write down every single tidbit of the situation that’s upsetting me – from the scalding insults to the emotional breakdowns… Every single piece goes into that word document. Then, once it’s done, I’ll re-read it and typically I’ll see exactly how acidic, bitter and cruel the defensive mind can be. Sometimes, just the writing process itself allows you to see how being upset affects your judgment when talking about others. After that, I know exactly what my defensive mind will try to say in the heat of the moment, and I’ll be able to restrain and retrain my mind to abandon those unnecessary evils.
For more excellent reading on the processes of self-love,
please, please check out the following websites:
Already Pretty
Medicinal Marzipan
Rabbit Writes
Every Body is Beautiful
Your Wishcake
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Thanks for the shout-out, doll. And, just like you, I find that time and writing are the best tools to help me work through cattiness, jealousy, and girl-on-girl anger.
.-= Sally´s last blog ..How to Make Your Legs Look a Mile Long =-.
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Posted by Sally | February 8, 2010, 11:35 amTaylor Swift is not so bad. RT @TheDemoiselles Check Yourself: Accidentally Contributing to Media Standards http://tinyurl.com/ykdp3ay
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Posted by Jen | February 8, 2010, 3:31 pmYes!
In the summer I started “venting” on a blank word doc as well.
I should get back to it.
This post is so good and very helpful.
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Posted by flower mash | February 8, 2010, 3:41 pmRT @TheDemoiselles Check Yourself: Accidentally Contributing to Media Standards http://tinyurl.com/ykdp3ay #radicalselflove AMEN!
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Posted by Gala Darling | February 8, 2010, 5:09 pm@ The Demoiselles :: Check Yourself: Accidentally Contributing to Media Standards:
Naturally, if you’re a regular… http://bit.ly/bVNMJU
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Posted by topsy_top20k_en | February 8, 2010, 5:09 pmRT @galadarling: RT @TheDemoiselles Check Yourself: Accidentally Contributing to Media Standards http://tinyurl.com/ykdp3ay #radicalselflove AMEN!
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Posted by Lindsay | February 8, 2010, 5:28 pmRT @MissElle: RT @TheDemoiselles Check Yourself: Accidentally Contributing to Media Standards http://tinyurl.com/ykdp3ay
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Posted by Ellison Ingersoll | February 8, 2010, 5:59 pmAwesome post, and completely correct at that. It’s terrible that many people immediately stoop to criticizing each other’s appearances when angry. Or just in general.. why do “mean girls” exist? Or why do we do this kind of thing to our own gender at all?
By the way, I love that Kate Nash song, haha.
.-= sui´s last blog ..This is me. =-.
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Posted by sui | February 8, 2010, 9:30 pmRT @TheDemoiselles Check Yourself: Accidentally Contributing to Media Standards http://tinyurl.com/ykdp3ay
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Posted by Crosby | February 9, 2010, 12:44 amRT @galadarling: RT @TheDemoiselles Check Yourself: Accidentally Contributing to Media Standards http://tinyurl.com/ykdp3ay #radicalselflove AMEN!
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Posted by tiffany porsche | February 9, 2010, 3:30 amIt’s amazing how we’re able to alienate ourselves by bonding together to trash “the other girl” like that. Like the song mentions, the “victim” ends up locked in the loo, bawling all night. Playing victim allows others to feel sorry for us – but worse, it allows us to separate ourselves from POSITIVE solidarity – which makes us feel sorry for ourselves. It becomes an endless cycle of negative affirmation.
I’m glad you wrote this. More people need to hear it.
.-= birdie´s last blog ..Value You =-.
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Posted by birdie | February 12, 2010, 1:37 pmi love this. i am constantly sadden by the comradeship that seems to bubble around targeting someone else, outside of the group, and ripping them apart with words.
i love women, and i love being a woman, but it is such a fine line between sticking up for each other and beating down someone else. I want to constantly be seeking to give compassion and love to my girlfriends, but in addition to that, I want to be inspiring them to be compassionate and loving towards those they view as their “enemies” too. It is easy to love and be kind to those who are kind to you. It is honorable and nobel, it is empowering, beautiful, and strengthening, inspiring, and challenging to CHOOSE to be kind and loving towards those that push your buttons, or who don’t see eye to eye with you.
life is a challenge ladies. Take it on and choose to do something good!
Thanks for your great post!
.-= Moorea Seal´s last blog ..Che-che-che Check it. =-.
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Posted by Moorea Seal | February 12, 2010, 2:38 pmGreat post!
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Posted by thefatandskinny | February 15, 2010, 5:31 pm