Pride & Self-Prejudice
Here’s a snippet of a recent conversation I had during a post-Christmas dinner with my father and his girlfriend:
Her: “Well, maybe you could take some aptitude tests to figure out what you want to do, what you’d be best at.”
Me: “It’s not that I don’t know what I want to do; it’s that I want to do many things. And I’m good at everything.”
Him: “Well, that was brazen.”
Me: “I’m not trying to be rude…”
Him: “No, it’s true. You never had to study, and you always got straight A’s. That hasn’t changed – and neither has your desire to throw yourself into every cause, and research every thing that comes your way. I’m not saying it isn’t true; I’m just saying it’s a little brazen.”
Now, I’m not actually good at everything (Cartwheels? Completely beyond me) but I am good at most things – a quick study, if you will. One of the things I’m often told I’m good at – sometimes with a little venom – is ignoring society’s standards and, often, speaking unpopular truths. With that in mind, let me make a bold statement:
Society’s rules about pride – our expected humility, our fear of arrogance – are completely overrated.
I get that we’re supposed to defenestrate ourselves, declaring our greatest skills and assets unimportant or “not a big deal,” and I assume that it’s in an effort to keep other people from feeling inadequate. That being said, doesn’t the act of brushing off our acheivements, our accomplishments, also leave us feeling inadequate?
Many of us grew up getting a gold star everyday, just for “trying hard.” No one was ever the best – the quickest, the smartest, the most interesting – and instead, we were all equally…special, just for making an attempt. I think that one of the detriments of that mentality is that we grow up thinking that only our efforts count: instead of taking pride in our creations, we fall back on whether or not we “tried.” I can’t count how many times I’ve heard the unskilled whine: “But I worked so hard!” when the end product just wasn’t up to par…or, for those who have a knack or a talent, “Oh, it isn’t that great – it only took me a few minutes.”
So what? Your innate talents – perfect pitch, the ability to sketch a masterpiece in minutes, a naturally strong, healthy body – are no less special because you didn’t “work” on them. When you devalue your natural abilities, you devalue yourself. If you have a talent, be proud of it. If you’ve got a great body, flaunt it. And if you’ve created something you’re proud of, don’t hide it. Embrace it.
Lady Gaga – another brazen woman with a striking talent (and body) - agrees:
(It leaps to the beginning of the quote I’m talking about – at 4:52 – and the quote ends just before the six muinte mark. Feel free to watch the rest if you want, though!)
If it makes you uncomfortable to be proud of your talents, beauty, or natural abilities – or even if it doesn’t – it helps to remind others of their natural abilities, too. If your friend’s piano playing brings tears to your eyes, tell her so, and don’t let her brush it off. If your sister is the best cook you’ve ever met, remind her over dinner. If that girl in your class has impeccable style, give her props for it. It will make it easier for you to respect your own talents when others compliment you on them.
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I think I’ve had very similar conversations with my father.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. I really needed it right now. I think I’ve spent most of my life fighting myself about doing what I want, because I feel like it’s somehow a cop-out if something comes easily to me. (Which isn’t to say that it isn’t hard work; it’s just hard work in a different way.) Why must the struggle or effort become more than the result?
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STEPH! This line you said was so spot on for me:
“I think I’ve spent most of my life fighting myself about doing what I want, because I feel like it’s somehow a cop-out if something comes easily to me.”
So. So true! We’re taught all our lives that we have to work hard to be successful – our natural talents aren’t even addressed until we go to college… IF we go to college! Such an interesting effect that has on our own self-perception, huh?
All the time – I’m pretty good at taking compliments when I feel them to be true.
I don’t entirely agree with you on ‘trying hard’ though. I think its really important to take effort into account when giving compliments. For example, I’m very good at factual writing. I can knock our a clear, well structured paper (I work in government research) easily. Writing comes naturally to me. Public speaking on the other hand I am much less good at and it does not come naturally. I have worked very hard at improving, and put myself in situations that challenged me. So I am much prouder of having given a talk on a given topic than having written a report, even when the report was fantastic, and the presentation merely fine. I know I had to work hard for it, and I have absolutely no problem for positive feedback to take the effort into acount.
Similarly, the thing about being proud of your body. I am proud of having toned arms, because it wasn’t always this way, I worked hard to get them. I also have nice boobs, and eyes, and while I acknowledge that they look good, I couldn’t honestly say that I was proud of them, because I did nothing to get them. The pride thing is something that has always bothered me, I just don’t see how you can be proud of something you’ve ended up with through pure chance.
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I just want to add though that this is a great post and I completely agree with you. Too many people, women in particular, sell themselves short all the time when they should be recognised for their brilliance!
Franca´s last blog ..Much Love monday project
It can be a tough row to hoe, pride. As you pointed out, Jennifer Nicole, it’s just not socially acceptable to know you’re a rock star and say so. But I think the more we force ourselves to acknowledge our own accomplishments, skills, and beauty, the more acceptable it will become. There’s a huge difference between humility and self-loathing, and I think people tend to get them mixed up.
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I’m always proud. But I’d like to also think I don’t go around screaming: I AM THE BEST I AM THE BEST… if someone says it, I acknowledge it. But I don’t offer it up randomly in conversation like — guess how awesome I was yesterday?.. unless it was in self-deprecation.
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RT @TheDemoiselles: New TD post by @craftyasparagus! Pride & Self-Prejudice | The Demoiselles http://bit.ly/6VM3rO
Be proud of you…even if it was easy. RT @TheDemoiselles Pride & Self-Prejudice | The Demoiselles http://bit.ly/6VM3rO
RT @TheDemoiselles: New TD post by @craftyasparagus! RT @TheDemoiselles Pride & Self-Prejudice | The Demoiselles http://bit.ly/6VM3rO
oh my god, lady gaga seems so fucking cool, and she’s got the prettiest voice. what a smart chick too. i didn’t even know. hmm.
it’s even insulting to some when you compliment them and they diss it by saying “oh, well, it’s easy” or “nooo i’m not” , it’s like a smack in the face and i’ve gotten this before when i try and compliment someone. don’t let her brush it off – agreed! get in her face and tell her her response was sort of rude, and you don’t appreciate it.
i loved this post, jen. especially this – Your innate talents – perfect pitch, the ability to sketch a masterpiece in minutes, a naturally strong, healthy body – are no less special because you didn’t “work” on them. When you devalue your natural abilities, you devalue yourself. If you have a talent, be proud of it. If you’ve got a great body, flaunt it. And if you’ve created something you’re proud of, don’t hide it. Embrace it.
but i just wanted to say that i think humility actually means seeing yourself as equal to others. not better because you have this great talent, and not less than, either. i think it means that you know you are a great singer, friend, pianist, etc, but you don’t brag or puff up your chest in order to make others feel inferior. i dont know if this makes sense. just some thoughts.
I love this post.
Honestly, if a friend said to me:
“it’s that I want to do many things. And I’m good at everything.”
…my response would have been more along the lines of:
“then you’re in the rare position of being able to choose your own path, instead of being limited by a single interest or talent! this is great!”
Why tell someone they’re wrong for speaking frankly if they’re not being mean or rude? Continual bragging makes someone a bore of course, but acknowledging our strengths shouldn’t be discouraged. We shouldn’t feel the need to talk ourselves down in front of others.
Women in particular are discouraged from speaking positively about themselves. It’s not ladylike or polite. Ugh, bite me.
If it were more socially acceptable to have a positive self image maybe we’d be less susceptible to fear- and shame-based manipulation by advertisers or individuals.
Sometimes I’d like it if more people responded “thanks. and I know, right?” when told “you look nice” or “good job”. LOL.
On a personal level, if things come easy to you maybe you could try to challenge yourself more than usual. Pick one or two subjects and really, really apply yourself. See how hard you can work, what level you can reach, how successful you can be. Or you could turn your natural abilities to mentoring others. But I don’t think you need to hide your shine.
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You know your article makes me remember one of my pet peeves – something that has always really bugged me is “it’s the thought that counts.” I think people get wayyyy too caught up using this as a backup to insufficient effort. I have heard this all too many times when someone makes a couple of half-assed efforts to do something, but stops short because of some obstacle and then uses the excuse “well at least I tried. It’s the thought that counts.” I believe that it doesn’t – especially in business. It’s the way you overcome those obstacles to make something happen that counts.
Your post struck a chord within me, because I’ve been struggling with self-esteem issues since I was in high school (am in college now). I’ve had that thought myself; “I am good at everything”, and yet every time I start thinking that I am damned good at something, I chasten myself for being arrogant. (Doesn’t help that self-depreciation is huge among Asians.)
Only now have I started to take my friends’ compliments seriously. After all, if people keep telling you the same thing, it means that they see the same reality, and shared realities are not delusions. Like Carly commented, some might think you’re not respecting their opinion if you roughly brush away their compliments. I certainly feel hurt for my friends when they brush away mine.
Like you mentioned, complimenting others when I genuinely feel that they did something well does help. Besides that, you can instantly see the effect you have on their day, even if they are slightly bewildered at first.
Franca does have a point, though. I feel guilty accepting compliments when I honestly feel that I haven’t actually done much to deserve it. (This applies especially for results I get from last-minute cramming), and praise for something I actually try hard at feels much sweeter.
I guess the key to this, as with everything, is balance. How do we balance the way we think about ourselves versus the way we feel we ought to feel? How do we balance what we think versus what others tell us?
I’m still looking for mine.
Dude! I totally just had this revelation a couple of weeks ago, when I made the decision to quit my job and follow a dream. I did it because I believe in myself. I believe in my ability and the possibility of success.
Also, Lady Gaga? What a fantastic moment of eloquent honesty.
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OH MY GOSH, congratulations on pursuing your dreams!! Keep us updated, will you?
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So…I ran into this quote the other day, and as soon as I saw it I had to come back and post. LoL…just cause it’s true and applicable and obviously your post was still in my head if it made me want to share. And I think it’s true.
People are afraid to be as awesome as they can be, because they’re afraid they’ll stand out in a bad way. And we’re taught that’s a bad thing, just like we’re taught not to “brag” or talk ourselves up for fear of hurting someone whose down or tempting someone into bringing us down. Society has some truly fucked up expectations at time I think…
“Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
~Nelson Mandela