Last week, I got my hair cut and colored.
When I walked out of the salon I felt amazing, so I came home and did what almost any woman under the age of forty does when she’s made a change and her self esteem is high: I took lots of pictures and posted them on the internet.
The reaction was blasé. No one said they disliked the change, but no one loved it, either. “It’s cute,” they said, “and that cookie dough looks good.” (Cougar Mountain Peanut Butter Chocolate Chunk. If you live in the Seattle area, you must eat it. With a spoon.) Wait, cookie dough? What about the hair?!
Those comments, though neutral, had a strong affect on me. After all that primping and fluffing, my ego boost was suddenly gone.
After taking a night to sleep on it – literally and figuratively – I’d mostly shaken off the insecurity: it’s my hair and I like it, damn it. But the question still remains: why did I let those leukwarm comments eat at me, after I’d felt so good individually?
The need for social validation isn’t new, of course, and it’s a logically important process when we make decisions, like which book to buy and what restaurant to choose for dinner. Making choices using accepted social norms is also part of social bonding – it separates the general populace from those people that don’t leave the house, refuse to shower or eat anything but Corn Flakes (though I bet they’ve got their own version of social validation too – welcome to the internet).
But once we’ve made that choice – to buy the book, go to the restaurant or get a new haircut – social validation becomes a moody, fickle beast. And, of course, that beast loves to come out when we try something new in fashion:
Will my hair be interesting, or skunk-like?
Will my new dress look funky or trashy?
Does orange eye shadow make me look hot, or like a drug-sick raver girl?
Depending on our mood - our uncertainty about the choice we’ve made before we’ve announced it – sometimes only the most emphatic, positive comments can keep us from feeling like we’ve done something wrong. No one loved my hair; no one mentioned my new dress; my friend only said she liked my eye shadow after I told her it was new…suddenly, a lack of positive comments becomes a symbol of negative comments – that because no one loved it, no one liked it.
The only way I can see to combat this social funk is to ignore it, to own it. Own your style, own your choices, own yourself. Once I made the decision to cut and color my hair it was done, and no amount of social validation was going to send me back in time to re-make that choice. I think it’s the same way for all of our fashion and beauty choices: once you’ve stepped outside, you have to know that your outfit works for you, even if it doesn’t work for anyone else. If you’re not quite sure that it does work (orange eyeshadow?), ask someone you trust – preferably someone fashionably adventurous (not your t-shirt wearing boyfriend or your conservative sister) - before you step outside, so you can acheive social validation, or change your look, before it affects your entire day.
What’s the latest fashion risk you’ve taken?
How did social validation (or a lack thereof) affect your choice?
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I don’t really ask for people’s opinions anymore. I figure that my friends will tell me if they like something or not without me having to prompt them. But at the same time, I don’t say anything if I don’t like something. As you said, it’s their hair/eyeshadow/dress. They did what they wanted. I’m happy they can make choices for themselves! Haha. At the end of the day, me saying I don’t care for that dress print after they have bought it isn’t going to do a thing except make them insecure about it.
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Posted by Brienna | May 3, 2010, 3:33 pmA new haircut…a big deal. RT @TheDemoiselles Risky Fashion & The Need for Social Validation | The Demoiselles http://bit.ly/cMeVmc
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Posted by Jennifer Nicole | May 3, 2010, 8:22 pmProof: http://bit.ly/bjGmUH (The Demoiselle's) & http://bit.ly/bzruht (Stratejoy's) incredibly similar blog posts!
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Posted by Kristy Hogue | May 3, 2010, 10:50 pmRT @TheDemoiselles Risky Fashion & The Need for Social Validation | The Demoiselles http://bit.ly/cMeVmc (great post!)
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Posted by Sandra Sullivan | May 3, 2010, 10:57 pmI’ve always been lucky that, since I was a kid, I haven’t cared about other people’s opinions of me. Of course, I have neurotic days / weeks, but generally I don’t care if what I decide suits them, because I know that I’m way more ‘out-there’ than most people, and if I can make ONE person look at something in a different way, then I’ve made progress in the world.
The last big chance I took was going from dark brown hair to fiery pink. And it’s about to change again, to dark brown with pink, purple and blue in the fringe. Can’t wait!!
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Posted by Shelly | May 4, 2010, 2:38 amA couple of weeks ago I wore a hat. It’s just a grey felt hat with a pink ribbon trim. My husband bought it for me and I wore when we went shopping (to a very middle class UK department store).
Maybe I just looked very out of place but I thought I got a few funny looks. Then one of their sales assistants gave me a very obviously funny look. When she realised I’d noticed she wouldn’t look me in the eye again. I felt all sorts of pressure to look more middle class and to stand out less.
I got over it by criticising her brown lip-liner, pale lip combo in my head (I’m so mature).
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Posted by Beth | May 4, 2010, 8:30 am@MissElle @TheDemoiselles Risky Fashion & The Need for Social Validation | The Demoiselles http://bit.ly/cMeVmc
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Posted by Melissa Baswell | May 5, 2010, 3:00 amprecicely how i feel if i post something and most of the community doesn’t respond, or doesn’t respond the way i am looking for them to respond. so for me, no comment = the person not caring about what i had to say, thus reflects on myself and then i think ‘they don’t care about me’. lame, i know. make sense?
i think, in regards to your post i saw a few comments that didn’t even need to be there. the neutral comments may as well have been left unsaid, you know? it’s not even constructive criticism -”‘your hair is cute, but if you so-and-so…” which puts it in a completely different boat. y’know, ‘if you cant say anything nice then don’t say anything at all.’
i don’t know. it’s crazy how much i let it affect my confidence, and it’s really hard not to.
own it – i will keep this in my head jen. very wise words!
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Posted by Carly | May 6, 2010, 11:31 amI do like a bit of social validation, but when push comes to shove, what I do with my body, clothes, or appearance is my own choice. And if I love it, no one else has to. I do take other people’s opinions into account, but if I really love something and everyone else hates it, then my opinion wins.
.-= Miss Peregrin´s last blog ..What I Wore Today (Lazy Monday Edition) =-.
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Posted by Miss Peregrin | May 7, 2010, 8:44 pmRisky Fashion & The Need for Social Validation http://shar.es/m6VgR #style # fashion
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Posted by Dr. Kimberly Swygert | May 9, 2010, 11:41 pmI don’t really ask for people’s opinions anymore. I figure that my friends will tell me if they like something or not without me having to prompt them. But at the same time, I don’t say anything if I don’t like something. As you said, it’s their hair/eyeshadow/dress. They did what they wanted. I’m happy they can make choices for themselves! Haha. At the end of the day, me saying I don’t care for that dress print after they have bought it isn’t going to do a thing except make them insecure about it.
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Posted by Steve | May 27, 2010, 10:34 pmThe reason no one said they liked it is probably because whoever did your hair didn’t realize they should have toned all that gold out of the blonde streaks.
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Jennifer Nicole Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 8:56 pm
You mean they might have said they didn’t like it because they didn’t like it? It’s entirely possible, and even probably in some cases!
No need to list yourself as anonymous. I won’t ever get all butt-hurt over an honest, well-put opinion. (It’s not like you said that the gold makes me look like someone vomited on my head or something.)
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Posted by Anon | June 10, 2010, 5:30 pmi always look at awesome styles and say, “i could never pull that off.” then for the tiny moments that i actually think i can, i impulse buy and it sits in my closet with the tags on forever. EXCEPT, there are the few times where i say, screw it…so it will look bad…or it will look great and different. How many times have i gone to class or gone to dinner or something in my sweats and a tank top and didnt even shower? a million times. so why not try a new look?! i dont have anything to lose. except you, gladiator shoes…my feet are big and your way to flat to look good on me
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Posted by Monica | June 15, 2010, 1:04 am