Summer is here, and we all know what that means: less clothing, more fear. No matter how skinny, fat, toned or cellu-tastic you are, you’ve felt that twinge of concern before stepping out into the sun.
It doesn’t help that bikinis are modeled in the most ridiculous ways. These girls are never actually on a beach, and with their made-up faces and perfectly-styled hair, not one of them appears to be interested in swimming. But that’s modeling, right?
That is, unless it goes too far. Below are some of our… reactions… to a few swimsuits (and the models wearing them) available for purchase on Etsy. Don’t worry: along with the snark, you’ll see loving translations. It’s all in good fun.
Lindsay: “Am I sexy yet?”
Jen: “This bracelet is my shark defense system, but if it fails, I can just untie the suit and wave it around. The flash will blind the sharks so I can get away!”
(Translation: hot girls look hottest when they’re not trying. This? Trying. Times ten. Plus sequins.)
Lacey Spankie Shorts Bikini: $90
Jen: Honey, did you get into mommy’s makeup again?
…and is that Dov Charney taking your photo?
Lindsay: She’s going to look like a Kiss band reject, post-swim.
(Translation: that bikini is the perfect way to rock the Adorable Look. Don’t ruin it with emo eyeliner.)
Lindsay: Just hanging out in my favorite lounge wearing no clothes really.
Jen: And more jewelry than a Roman emperor.
Lindsay: If Cleopatra was a club ho.
(Translation: Who wears a bikini to a club? And with that much jewelry? And obviously just after removing her neck brace?)
Orange Tiger Stripe Monokini: $75
Jen: I repeat: This is NOT a MySpace photo I found. This is an ad. On Etsy. For a monokini. That costs $75. Really. It is.
Lindsay: OMG REALLY?
(Translation: This is the main photo for the ad? Why not the flattering one below it, with the model on the catwalk? Or the one on the mannequin? Or something not blurry? Or ANYTHING ELSE?)
Frahm Bikini in Black and White Gingham: SOLD OUT
Yesterday:
Lindsay: It looks like she’s about to get porn-raped.
Jen: She got a bad grade in swim class, and her instructor is asking for extra credit.
Today:
Jen: OMG LINDSAY IT SOLD OUT.
Lindsay: NO FUCKING WAY.
(Translation: this is another instance of “the runway shot looked better.” A schoolgirl look, massive eyeliner and cheap sandals? If this isn’t in every schoolgirl porn scene, I don’t know what is.)
Sassy Bikini with Cowl Neck: $75
Lindsay: Yyyyyyyyyuck.
Jen: It’s raining, but luckily, I have this hood to keep me from – why yes, I am going swimming later. Why do you ask?
(Translation: sometimes, fashion does not win over function.)
Pink Leopard Kitty Kat Bikini: $72
Lindsay: That’s Cleopatra Club Ho brand, right?
Jen: Yes! They have the monopoly on bikini club wear…with big slouchy boots.
Because sometimes your feet get cold at the beach.
Lindsay: Occasionally. Keeps the sand out of the toes, you know.
(Translation: Come on, you can’t even see the bikini. And this is the default picture!)
Itsy Bitsy Bikini in Pink and Black Polka Dots: $65
Jen: Look who came to join the student-teacher swim porn!
Lindsay: And she’s no amateur. Look at that “I know this game” confidence!
Jen: Aw, Gingham Girl won’t be scared anymore. Yay.
(Translation: Those heels. Those earings. The leather Ikea porn couch. Come on – this is bad.)
Custom Micro Bikini: $59
Jen: Wait, no…this is porn. Like, “She doesn’t know my camera phone is pointed at her boobs” porn.
Lindsay: WTF.
Wh…y… would anyone… wear…
I mean…
This should be called “More Than Mons.”
Strapless Jean Look Bikini: $50
Lindsay: HOOOOWHAT.
Jen: I can’t even begin to understand this one.
(Translation: actually, I think we’re pretty clear, here.)
Shitsville Clothing DIY Bikini Set: $37
Jen: I really have to pee. Are we done with this shoot yet?
Lindsay: Also, lol @ “shitsville.”
Jen: Seems pretty appropriate to me.
(Translation: the second photo for this item? Gorgeous. How did this shot + that brand name NOT connect the dots for these people?)
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Comments ( 6 )
“This? Trying. Times ten. Plus sequins.”
This whole article was brilliant, but you really outdid yourself with the first one. Nicely done. 
amandalee´s last [type] ..Apartment Inspiration
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amandalee added these pithy words on
Jul 15 10 at
4:22 pm
New @TheDemoiselles: Shark bait, a Cleopatra club ho, and a girl who really, really has to pee. http://shar.es/mTWKU
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Jennifer Nicole added these pithy words on
Jul 15 10 at
9:10 pm
A most entertaining – while straight to the point – article from the brilliance that seems to ooze from B&B so often. Thank you for the great morning uplift! (no, that’s not bra-talk)
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shell added these pithy words on
Jul 16 10 at
7:36 am
Please see: http://www.regretsy.com/
Saw the book in B&N yesterday and their tagline (“when DIY meets WTF”) is spot on.
Stuff like this: http://www.regretsy.com/2010/07/12/craparet/
The book has the best ones though.
Kristy´s last [type] ..One thousand toppings at Portage Bay Cafe
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Kristy added these pithy words on
Jul 16 10 at
10:07 am
Love the post. Elle, I miss sitting with you at the smoking shelter passing judgment on all 
When you come back we should creep onto campus and do the same. With booze. Jen I love you too 
You should come as well.
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Jon added these pithy words on
Jul 16 10 at
4:36 pm
Oh man, that was funny. And the last girl like she’s holding it in after going down the waterslide without clenching her butt cheeks.
Erika @ Health and Happiness in LA´s last [type] ..Homemade Rawmesan
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Erika @ Health and Happiness in LA added these pithy words on
Jul 17 10 at
6:33 pm
